I had an interesting last couple of days. I got out of the house and drove an hour or so to visit some friends. I stopped along the way for some beach therapy and subsequently met up with an old friend. We talked for hours.
He is one of my friends where we have always had a very open relationship. We share a similar sense of humor and we can be raunchy with one another without crossing a line or it getting weird. He is also one of the best huggers I know. God I love hugs. I don’t know what it is, but they heal me.
We talked a little about some of my struggles and some of his struggles. Where we were at mentally. Maybe a bit emotionally, too. One thing has been sitting with me from that conversation. As we were talking about where life has taken us and the struggles we’ve dealt with, he has come to a similar conclusion as I have. We only get one shot at this and we should make the best of it.
While I can sit and waste my time worrying or fretting or dithering or pining or whatever, time keeps ticking by. It’s one thing we never get back. Time.
Worry. Tick-tock. Waste. Tick-tock. Squander. Tick-tock. Boring. Tick-tock.
Lack of friendship. Tick-tock. Under appreciated. Tick-tock. Where did I go? Tick-tock.
What do I take away from this? How do I incorporate it in to my internal wrestlings? What am I doing with my time?
Of course, being the loyal friend that he is, he was full of righteous indignation at the perceived wrongs done to me. He told me I deserve happiness. Do I? I’m not a good person. I’ve made my share of atrocious mistakes. I know I am ultimately “forgiven” but yet….do I really deserve happiness? Shouldn’t I be cool with my life as it is?
It isn’t a bad life. Not really. I mean, it could be so, so much worse. Do I deserve better than what I already have? Maybe I’m already getting what I deserve. I mean, that’s the mantra of those who believe in ‘karma’ or ‘Santa Claus’, right? Be good and you’ll get good. Be bad and you’ll get bad.
Naw. I don’t believe in either of those things. Karma or Saint Nick. I’ve seen bad people get good and visa versa. It’s maybe less about getting or deserving, perhaps more about making the best of what you’ve got. Or maybe, just maybe, going out and getting something better for yourself.
Great. Now I’ve come full circle. Again. Can I make some changes in my life or not? Here’s the thing. I don’t believe I deserve to be happy. But, I want to be. I don’t deserve fulfillment. But, still, I want that too. So, I have like two big wishes right now in my heart. I’m….not ready to talk about them out loud yet, but they are there. Of course, wishing for something alone will Never make it come true, contrary to what you may have been taught around your birthday, but I have wishes or desires I’d like to see happen. Here’s the other thing: neither of these wishes are things *I* can make happen. Sad but true. So, I am hoping they will happen on their own (even one would make me very happy but both would be awesome). Until – or in spite of – then: tick-tock. Time just keeps slipping by. I feel like I’m currently in a holding pattern. Waiting for the other shoe to drop or something big to occur. Hmmm. We’ll see. I’m trying to be patient but, you know, tick-tock, tick-tock.
The good news is, I rekindled an old friendship and gosh how I missed him. He used to be one of my better friends, so I felt the little space in my soul he once occupied fill back up again. That makes me smile. Plus, he knows what to say to cheer me up even if from an outsider’s perspective it might be entirely inappropriate. Still he makes me laugh, a lot. I hope I get to see him again soon. Stock up on my hugs and engage in some inappropriate yet witty banter. We spent a lot of time apart so it’ll be good to redeem some of that time. Tick-tock. Here’s to hoping.