Over the last few weeks, I have really grown as a person. I don’t say that in conceit, but as a rational mind looking back at myself and my situation even a month ago. My fear – making a huge change in order to free myself from bondage and pursue both personal happiness and make a difference in other people’s lives – has been faced head-on and conquered.
There were a few major heart and life changes that brought this fear to its knees. My peapod friend remains attached to my hip and is wearing me down in his pursuit to make me see my inherent worth and beauty. He has been patient and kind and brutally honest. I had been fasting for both physical and spiritual reasons. I went 42 days. My clarity of mind came into sharp focus. My desire for food waned. I experienced intense visions and was able to meditate and blow away the lies I’ve built up around me over the years. I allowed Light to shine in my Darkness.
And oh the lies it exposed. This knowledge became my power. My peapod friend: my strength. I was able to look at my relationship with my partner and realize: it had been dead and dying for far longer than I cared to admit. In selfishness and pride, I kept at it…I had been trying to make it work and make it work and make it work. The problem is: it’s a two-person deal. I can’t do it alone. If he can’t make an effort as well, then no matter how much I put into it, it’s doomed to failure. This newly gained power gave me courage.
So, I got my ducks in a row, took a shot, and left him. We had a civilized conversation, in which there were no harsh hurtful words spoken but he disagreed with everything I said. Even in this, my feelings were not valid to him. He was respectful and even let me use his truck and trailer to move my belongings out. He fought it, but gently.
I left my beloved wilderness to move into an apartment in a small nearby town. What?! You may ask. How could I leave the quiet peaceful solitude found on my property for an apartment in town? Well, the answer for me was: the property, the cabin I designed and built myself, the surrounding land…. it’s all just Stuff. I can’t find my identity and ultimate happiness and joy and peace in my location or other material belongings. So, I left it behind.
Oh how freeing! How full of joy! How happy I’ve become since I drove off the land. I keep thinking I should feel guilty. I’m just another statistic. Home-wrecker. Destroyer of dreams. Well…. maybe….but at the same time, I truly believe this is the right decision. I have not regretted it once. I have not had remorse. I’m sad that my ex-partner is sad… but I’m happy in every other aspect of my life. As I continue to ask for Light to shine in Dark places, I am not disappointed. I am at total peace. I wonder if a lot of my previous angst had to do with indecision, because as soon as I made the decision to leave, the heavy weight of burden sloughed off my shoulders. The indecision itself bore its own weight and pressure, I just hadn’t realized it.
Suddenly I find myself with a purpose, of sorts. Instead of all my energy going in to trying to make someone else happy who perpetually never is…. Instead of wallowing in pity unable to see a way out…. Instead of feeling alone and rejected…. Instead of having no influence on other people in the world….. I find I have the energy to reach out to others. A real purpose. Whether it’s a friendly word or a deep discussion. I have the energy and ability to actually touch the lives of others around me. It’s really pretty incredible. I’m laughing a lot more. I’m happy. It’s infectious, I notice. Pure genuine laughter and joy is contagious.
I feel I should point out that this whole incredible change in my life is due entirely to the kindness of my laundromat friend and the gentle (and not so gentle) pushing encouragement and love from my peapod friend. These two guys have completely upended my world for the better and I owe them so much. What can you walk away with from this? I say, reach out in kindness to that stranger. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Embrace truth and share it with those around you. And thank your friends for their friendship, it may just mean the world to them.