Sabotage 

When something seems to be “too good to be true” in my life, I tend to sabotage myself, causing me to ultimately lose that good thing, creating the very same circumstance I was afraid was going to happen in the first place.

Perhaps I get the perfect job or the best friend or the lover that suits me so well. I revel in the goodness they bring to my life for a time. And then the self-doubt and hatred raises its deplorable head again. I don’t deserve this. He’s too good for me. She’s going to come to her senses and walk away. They’ll find someone better. I’m inadequate. 

I begin to distance myself. Build a wall around my heart. Look the other way instead of making eye contact. Second-guessing benign comments. Begin assuming conspiracy theories. I’m going to be replaced. Why did she say that? Why didn’t he respond? Why don’t they like my idea?

And then of course, this line of thinking and set of actions starts the whole spiral down. The other party recognizes the distance, the change in stance, the glassy eyes. Assumptions are made. She’s not happy here; she’s found another lover; she doesn’t need my friendship. And the whole relationship dissolves when it had only just begun.

How can I arrest this self-doubt and loathing? I’m sabotaging myself, I can see it. I recognize it and yet I’m listening to the lies even as I see that it’s destroying me. Face the fear with truth. Okay.

I have been having premonitions and visions of my lover and true soulmate leaving me. Or rather, of him not being with me anymore. It scares the shit out of me. I have literally never ever felt like I couldn’t live without someone before. I’ve always known that if something happened to a past friend/lover/relative I would be fine. It might hurt, but I’d keep walking. Now here I am with a man who makes me whole. When I contemplate being without him, my heart shutters to a halt, my throat closes up, tears form, my breath catches, my brain nearly shuts down.

It is literally painful to think about life without him. Before him I was surviving, now I am living. I can’t go back to the way it was. These visions and premonitions….are they legitimate? Or am I once again sabotaging something beautiful and wonderful in my life? Am I unconsciously prepping my heart for the possibility or chance of future loss or is something more truly on the horizon? Should I simply live in the moment and hope for the best?

My fear is that he will abandon me, possibly betray me, cut out my heart, or simply walk away for better things. Has he ever shown any sign of doing something like this, even before he was my lover? No. Absolutely not. Never. He says he’ll never leave me, that I’m his everything too, that there’s nothing better for him than me. When I’m in his arms and I look in his eyes, I believe him. We are intertwined. My heart and his heart beat as one. And yet…. and yet…. my lack of self esteem and previous relationships have conditioned me otherwise. The dark me sits on my shoulder and whispers in my ear: you’re not worth it, he can do better, he’ll leave you, guard your heart. 

I don’t want to sabotage us. I want to embrace us fully and honestly. In this moment, I don’t have the answers or even the tools to access the answers for my problem of self-hatred… but I do have hope. Hope in True Love. Hope in us. Hope in a real future. I choose to trust him. I choose to keep my heart and hands outstretched toward him. I choose to believe. I choose to turn my head away from the dark voice. In this moment, I choose us.

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