Brainwashed 

Recently I’ve come to realize how brainwashed I really am. Twenty years of being told and shown a certain way of thinking has taken its toll on me. 

Continually bombarded with not ever being adequate or fulfilling, learning to walk on eggshells quietly, reminders that my opinion doesn’t matter and that I am always wrong. The harsh looks. The condescending disapproval of a job not done to his exacting standards. The punishment found in the form of a long memory and its instant recall when I need to remember my error or be put in my proper place.

This wrong way of thinking has put some pressure on my relationship with my One True Love, as it rears its head from time to time. A change of mind can’t happen overnight for me. I need time to heal.

My Peapod gets frustrated with me at times because I have low self-esteem, which he says comes from my previous marriage. Yet I don’t call it low self-esteem. I call it being honest with myself. I’m not the smartest person out there but neither am I the dumbest. I’m not attractive nor am I memorable. I love deeply and am loyal to a fault. I desire justice for those who have been wronged. I know who I am.

But my Peapod doesn’t agree. He thinks I’m amazing. And beautiful. Smart. Talented. He says I make him happy. That I make him whole. That I have his heart. Well, yes, he should think those things. Beauty IS in the eye of the beholder, after all. I hold his heart and he holds mine. We were designed for each other, so yeah, he’s gonna think those things, right? Doesn’t mean I have to.

Again, he disagrees. He thinks I should see my own beauty and worth. The way he sees me: in truth. He says that I’ve been told these lies for so long that I believe them. I want to believe my Peapod. I want to feel beautiful… intelligent… worthy… kind… generous… I want to be those things, I do. And yet, I’ve been brainwashed. And so the reality is that instead I feel unattractive, slow, undesirable, undeserving, and unnecessary.

How am I to undo the years and the lies? Maybe I live in the moment. Perhaps I can see my true self by glimpsing into the eyes of the one who loves me above any other. Maybe I can exist in that singular moment of time we create while gazing into each other’s souls. Perhaps I let the Truth wash over me and melt away the lies one wave at a time.

I’m willing to try it because I’ve let the lies rule my life for far too long. It’s time to live in the Truth and let THAT wash over my brain from now on.

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7 thoughts on “Brainwashed 

  1. “And so the reality is that instead I feel unattractive, slow, undesirable, undeserving, and unnecessary.”

    Unfortunately, I have seen this with a lot of people, men and women both. It is a hard mindset to get out of. It looks like you are on the right road though. In order for someone to allow themselves to love fully, I think they need to fully love themselves first. What helps with that I having someone to remind them of their worth, their beauty, and build them up.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. But that’s a vulnerable place to be, AC. To be… reliant on someone new. Someone who can hurt you when you tear down those walls. The struggle is real. I see I’m rebuilding walls, I don’t want to make that mistake again, I pull them down. I get hurt, or worse, I perceive I’m *going* to be hurt, I go back to the old standby that saved me before: protecting my heart with walls, not allowing myself to feel. It’s a vicious cycle.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yep. You’re right, it is an extremely vulnerable place to be in. I have my own walls and they are very well constructed too. It takes a lot to get behind those walls and I’ve been rightfully accused of “wanting someone perched on my wall, but, not in them.” What I’ve had to learn is open communication, and that someone will hurt me. It is inevitable. As humans we are not infallible. The key is finding someone that allows you to feel comfortable enough to express that you are hurt, when you’re hurt.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Absolutely. It’s one reason why I get nervous how much you’re in my head. Go poking around in dark corners long enough, with a bright enough light, you just might discover a few keys hidden around that will let you straight thru my walls. 😳

        Like

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