No More Running

The thought came to me, as it so often does during the dark nights of my soul, to just run away. I have always been a logical thinker, bypassing the heart – as it’s a known liar. And yet, somewhat recently I found my One True Love and Soulmate and all logical thinking seemingly went out the window and in flew my heart trying to take things over. 

Damn it.

My heart has a tendency to overlook the practical things in life like, oh say, having a job to sustain the bills and groceries. Or on a deeper level, it seems to thumb its nose at deeper aspects such as me and my Lover’s incompatibilities in everyday living. On the surface, logic says we shouldn’t be together and this relationship makes no sense and what we put in doesn’t equal what comes out in the end. My damn heart says, fuck all that: we are one, bound in soul and spirit… even physically so.

One of the hardest parts of this relationship for me to wrap my brain around is that he’s gone literally half the time. His job takes him away from me three weeks at a time. And when he comes home, he can’t just dedicate all his time on me. He has family and responsibilities and (since it’s summer) subsistence hunting and fishing and processing that must be done to see us through until next summer. So I take, in my eyes, a distant back seat. This simply doesn’t work for me. I need to feel wanted and craved and be the light in his eyes. Sure, he says he loves me and needs me and everything he does is for me…. but still, the more I have of him the more I want.

When he’s with me…. my heart rules. He is my every fantasy in the flesh. He gets me in a way no one ever has before. He doesn’t let me sink into my dark thoughts. He makes me feel beautiful. He makes me feel loved. He ignites my passion. He inspires me. He makes me think outside my comfort zone. He understands where I’m coming from.

When he’s gone…. Logic takes the reins again. I am left feeling incredibly alone and deeply depressed. I cry every single day – a lot. Self-doubt gains a foothold again. Why does he even want to be with me? He is so much better than I am. I’m dragging him down with me. My passion boils beneath the surface with no real outlet. Inspiration wanes. Questions arise. What the fuck am I doing? Life keeps tick-ticking away while I pine for my Lover. Just concentrating on small tasks is nearly impossible. Why am I doing this to myself? (To which my heart chirps: for love!) We are so different in day-to-day living. Will this really work? How will he feel in six months? A year? Five years?

Okay. Okay. Relax. Take it one day, one moment, at a time. No need to freak out or worry about the future because honestly you know that doesn’t help. But, god, I miss him so damn much. He’s my every thought. My everything. There is a gaping hole in my chest where I know my heart used to lie. My breathing is labored. My eyes are heavy. I’m so tired of being sad. I’m tired of being lonely. Is this REALLY worth it? Really? 

My heart, the liar, whispers that it will all work out in the end. That things won’t always be this way. That True Love will win. That the waiting will be worth the rewards. That all that other stuff will work itself out. That what we have is special and unique and rare and I shouldn’t squander it.

But the problem with all that is two-fold. One, my heart is a damn proven liar and can easily be swayed. Two, logic has never let me down and has protected me pretty well so far.

Logic says, you aren’t being fully provided for. Financially or emotionally. I can’t take a backseat. That doesn’t work for me. And now, I most definitely am. All those other obligations, they are there like an elephant shitting in my living room. Someone has to care for the beast. And my wonderfully amazing kind-hearted Lover is gonna do it. Me, I’d oust the big non-rent-paying fucker and move on with my life. My Love, he has this huge soft heart that wants to fix things and care for them and so he’s over there shoveling shit and feeding it fresh cut grass and finding fresh water for it. And I’m over here feeling neglected. Wow. I am both incredibly selfish and pathetic.

I’m selfish because I want him all to myself and I don’t want to have to share him with his job and his family and his obligations. I want to take him into my bedroom and fuck him until he can’t remember anyone else but me. I’m pathetic because I seem to barely be able to function when he’s not with me, falling into a deep depression, getting deeper each time he leaves and getting harder to climb out of. I mean, really, how ridiculous is that? I can’t stash him away and keep him to myself nor can I live my life in a deep hole of depression.

There’s got to be a change, a solution. Hence my thoughts of running away and leaving everything behind. If I run, it’s gonna hurt. I will have known real Love. But the torture will end and (hopefully?) I can move on. But then again, just the thought of being without him makes my heart grip tight with anxiety and fear. I’m already less than half a person when he’s gone…. what would I be if I walked away for good? A shell? What use would I be to anyone? What would the point of living day to day even be?

Logic and heart. Heart and logic. Round and round they go. Wrestling. Why can’t we all just get along? Is it only a matter of checks and balances? Or something more sinister? Do I abandon one for the other? Is that even possible? No. No, I need both. Logic alone has made me jaded, dry, protected yet hard, and, well, lonely. I need the balance of heart. Soft, warm, vulnerable, but deeply loved.

What I have with my Lover is truly special. We have both gained so much and have everything to lose with this newfound honesty and vulnerability. We both stand facing one another, with the other’s heart held in our hands. I am his heart’s warrior now. He is my heart’s protector now (instead my own logic and order). It’s scary…. but it’s also oh-so freeing. I must trust him as he must trust me. And in this, we both are made whole and free.

No more running to hide myself from hurt. Instead I choose to bare myself to him and his Love. And cherish what we have while we have it, because really, do we really know how many minutes we have left ticking on our own personal clock?

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